“Feral ~ from feminine of ferus wild: having escaped from domestication and become wild…”

Thursday

A favorite poem




The Journey

by Mary Oliver
1935-2019


                                             One day you finally knew
                                             what you had to do, and began,
                                             though the voices around you
                                             kept shouting
                                             their bad advice-
                                             though the whole house
                                             began to tremble
                                             and you felt the old tug
                                             at your ankles.

                                             "Mend my life!"
                                             each voice cried.



                                  But you didn't stop
                                  you knew what you had to do,
                                  though the wind pried 
                                  with its stiff fingers
                                  at the very foundations,
                                  though their melancholy
                                  was terrible.
                                  It was already late
                                  enough, and a wild night,
                                  and the road full of fallen
                                  branches and stones.




                                            But little by little,
                                            as you left their voices behind,
                                            the stars began to burn
                                            through the sheets of clouds,
                                            and there was a new voice
                                            which you slowly 
                                            recognized as your own,
                                            that kept you company
                                            as you strode deeper and deeper
                                            into the world,
                                            determined to do
                                            the only thing you could do-

                                            determined to save
                                            the only life you could save.




~




- In Mary Oliver's own voice -



   ~

Sunday

I miss you dad.







To all those who have lost their friends, family and loved ones who have served,

long ago, yesterday and today,

my heart is with you.


 





































Ray Appelt
1924-2011

U.S. Army Veteran WWII
Company F    222nd  Infantry     42nd  Division 
Rainbow Division

Two Purple Hearts
Bronze Star
Combat Infantry Medal

Injured severely in The Battle of the Bulge
discharged honorably and sent home to recover
where he continued to serve as a Veteran



~

Thank you Dad.

you did leave a legacy to care for others.

i do miss you.


~


Monday

Breaking for the gate





If you haven’t read or heard of him by now, then you must be out of Wi-Fi range.  On Friday, August 10, 2018, to be exact, Richard Russell started up a tractor at his place of work, the Seattle- Tacoma International Airport, and proceeded to drag out a Q400 twin-engine plane to an empty runway.  He never flew a plane before.

Without any formal training except playing video games, Russell took to the sky, alarming everyone who was aware of his limitations. After doing what officials said were “incredible maneuvers,” some including making the twin-engine turboprop spin long spirals over Puget Sound, his life unrolled out onto the national news stations at the same time. 

He told air traffic control that he was “just a broken guy, got a few screws loose, I guess, never really knew it until now...” They did their best to talk him down to earth, but like the attempted dash of a confined wild horse towards an open gate, Russell wanted to try to live free one last time. He dodged the lassos thrown.  


Horizon Air ground service agent Richard Russell’s one and only self-piloted flight made an impact not just in the news, but across all social media. They are calling him "Sky King." As loved ones also come forward with statements, his personal life is being reflected by their words; a nice guy, a loving husband, son, friend. A very fun and funny guy. Responsible. There were no horrible issues in his past, no abuse. How could he do this? How could he steal a plane for a joyride? 

~

While most called him suicidal during his flight, there are some, no, maybe more - writers, poets, artists, realists, fatalists- who say that Russell’s own persona was in that last act of flight. He is immortal now, captured in a human tragedy.  His memory will always be the guy who took to the skies knowing nothing but what he picked up along the way. Somewhat like how we feel at one time or another. Winging it. We understand. In a way, he was us. Didn’t we silently pray in our hearts hoping he would be okay in the end? “Run! Be free! Fly! But make it home safely..."

As humans, we live under pressure constantly. The pressure to perform day in and day out mundane tasks required if we want to live. The pressure to concede, to conform, to keep quiet, to be content while meanwhile dying little deaths by the moment, until we don’t even recognize ourselves at the end of the day. We are too tired. Until we see the gate is open.

We have all been there. Broken.  And most have had that moment, thinking wild thoughts, being desperate enough to almost do anything, something.  Unlike Russell though, most of us stop ourselves before harm. The truth is we never are really free. No one is. And that is okay. Maybe we have gotten help from others to accept this; perhaps we have gone through so much to see it ourselves. 

From living and loving, we have learned that being “outside” the gate really is the same as being “inside.” It’s just a different view.

~

Unfortunately last Friday, like the young Greek God Phaethon who desperately wanted to drive the golden chariot of the Sun, Russell crashed to the ground.  He didn't survive. He knew he wouldn’t. Knowing the truth, Russell broke for the gate anyway.


 He had to try one last time.







*


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Available 24/7 free 

remember, you are not alone :) 

well. dang.



What dead Catholic mothers leave in their fabric box 
for their Adult children to find-



 so that when you innocently go to find a piece of ribbon,

you either 

a) bust into tears thinking about how much she loved you,
and did you love her enough 
for all this surprise love 
she gives you even beyond the grave? 

*I think I did?!!DID I????WAHHHH! MOM!!*

or 

b) bust into tears thinking about how much she loved you, 
and are you making sure 
your own kids will find shit like this in your stuff 
so the centuries of guilt can be passed on when you die?

*IM FAILING!!! WAHHH!! MOM!!*



well. dang.
...
...
...
 


welcome to my Monday.



~




Friday

Ode to Midnight writers everywhere


(sung of course to Disney's "Let it Go")





The screen glows white on the desk tonight
Not a new sentence to be seen
A novel of desolation
And it looks like there’s no theme...


The keys are silent, like my empty thoughts inside
Can’t get it $%&# out, heavens know I tried

(yeah, i tried.)

 Don’t go backward, don’t let yourself slide
Be the good writer who won’t have to hide
Reveal, don’t steal, don’t rewrite the old-
Well, now you know

(damn girl you know)


I KNOW



LET IT GO!
LET IT GOOOOOO!!!

Don’t hang onto this book anymore!

LET IT GO! LET IT GOOOOOO!!!

Turn away and write some more!


SO 
here I type,

as I’m going cray!!!

Let the old novel DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*big gasp, stare at snoring cat, take another swig*

...
...
...

The plot never did make sense anyway.







*sigh*




~

Wednesday




Ranger is going on his third year...and still won't make "employee of the month" yet.





I'm going on my 18th year of Timber Cruising.

I remember our first contract-
It was for a private logging company in Minnesota.

I remember walking in areas where the Moose live,
and
hoping I didn't see one.

Cow Moose kill.

I read "Hatchet" you know.


I also remember holding my Tatum up high,
trying not to get my papers wet
(because I'm that old in Timber Cruising years where we used PAPER)
while my right leg slipped into a deep watery peat bog hole
(I couldn't touch bottom!)
my left balanced on a tag alder root,
while cruising the many marshes up there on the border.
My papers stayed dry.

:) 


Now I'm cruising in the western states,
mostly for the USFS.

It's dry.
Fires are always a concern,
not water.

Or moose.

I think.

I also use a program on a small Juno,
with a stylus,
not a pencil sharpened by my pocket knife.

Times change.


Even my eyes have special equipment now...





They're called "cheaters."


;) 



~




Tuesday

The things we do for cats.




“So the important thing is, is to understand that cats operate on smell.”

I held Tomaz to the shiny stainless steel table while I tried to listen to the Vet lady. Because my arms are softer than steel, he clung to them instead with good claws that the fire didn’t take away. I mentally noted they still worked pretty well. In fact,Tomaz actually was in pretty good shape overall here at the Vet’s office, enough so to receive his vaccinations. 

But if you remember where we last left off, that was not the real reason we brought him in. We could tell he was having difficulty urinating, and even though he could urinate, it didn't seem to be a pleasant process for him. 

tangent -most times it's a relief for us, amirite? And if you can't pee right, the world ain't right...anyhow, I digress. A lot. I told you it was a tangent.

Since Tomaz has never had UTI problems before, we were perplexed when his examination revealed he was still very healthy and hydrated. So what was the deal? 

The final diagnosis- the beginnings of a Stress UTI (Urinary Tract Infection), all caused by the loss of Georgy less than 48 hours ago. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one affected by her death. For Tomaz, Georgy’s death brought on a whole different set of issues; unfortunately, ones that I was blind to. 

Basically, Tomaz was paranoid. But is it paranoia if he was traumatized because Georgy did BULLY him?  Uh-oh.

Crap. Mr. Foresterman was right.

The reality was that Georgy had stalked Tomaz so much those last two years, Tomaz was terrified of her. And she ruled the house, and me, without me paying the attention I should have. I just thought she loved me. LOTS.

Now with her being gone but her smell remaining,  Tomaz's little cat brain was in overdrive. Behind every corner, it was “COULD IT BE GEORGY? WHERE IS SHE? SHES GOING TO DIVEBOMB ME AND I WILL DIE.”

So right there in that tiny room holding a large irritated cat, I had a large epiphany.

Mr. Foresterman was right.

I just diagnosed myself at the Vet’s office with Stockholm CAT Syndrome.


*


I nodded as the Vet was speaking, her being unaware of my new founded guilt. Feeling even more guilty that I might have missed some crucial instructions, I repeated what that she just told me to make sure I didn’t miss anything during my own mental diagnosis.

“To alleviate Tomaz’s stress, I should remove or clean everything that Georgy has touched, so that he doesn’t think she is there, ready to threaten him.”

“Correct. As I said, Cats are olfactory sensitive- its how they communicate, mark territory and become familiar with their surroundings. Also, he’s at the age- let’s see, he’ll be twelve this year- he’s at the age that you may as well switch him over to a UTI specialized cat food since neutered male cats as they get older can develop urinary issues. A can of moist food daily with water mixed in it should get him through this episode. Otherwise, really, he’s healthy, not dehydrated, no fever or other signs, so there really isn’t anything we can do here.”

“So I guess getting another cat to keep him company is a no-go.”

“Oh gosh no.”

Great. Add more guilt to my guilt but make it guilt that contradicts the guilt I should have. Oh my.

Not only did I have to remove everything that reminded me of Georgy, to wipe her memory off the face of the earth physically, but getting another rebound shelter kitty was out of the question too.

Tomaz began to purr. 

I think it was because he was glad his intervention for me worked.


*



It took quite an effort to rid the house of everything of Georgy. New cat boxes, sanitized dishes, washed chair covers, bedding, beds, couches, chairs, everywhere a cat sits/sleeps/stares, wiping down corners where she had rubbed her little face because did you know cats have glands on their face of all places so they can leave their scent? When they rub against your legs or bunt their face onto yours, they are CLAIMING you. 

Definitely a Stockholm CAT Syndrome tactic. 

And a hard one to clean up after.  You never notice until you have to wipe them down that there are corners EVERYWHERE in a house.

Cleaning, vacuuming everything- we did it all. 

His UTI cleared up in two days, so it was clearly stress-induced. He loved all the attention we gave him, along with the new cat boxes, sleeping arrangements, toys, etc. In fact,  He began to relax almost immediately.   

Feeling no stress, Tomaz claimed all the best cat sleeping spots in the house again. He meowed loudly for canned cat food, and he openly without guilt shredded the back door loudly to go outside. We were definitely on the mend.

So, of course, the Vet was right; since Tomaz no longer smelled the “threat,” he relaxed mentally and physically. 

Except there was one thing that the Vet didn’t mention-

Cats have excellent hearing too.


*



It was obvious that whenever we would say Georgy’s name, Tomaz freaked. I mean FREAK. He’d pop up, alert, ready to run, frantic. A classic cat Panic attack. We took notice right away. 

I knew I had to come up with a solution just so we wouldn’t have another Stress UTI episode. One is enough. So what was our resentful solution?

We needed to clean up her name too. Yep. 

Georgy is now called “she who shall not be named” in our house.

This was not an easy task at first. In fact, Mr. Foresterman had my hand over his mouth more than once to stop him from making a terrible mistake. If we did say her name, it was only in the truck, at a store, or another state where we were sure Tomaz couldn't hear. We don't even try to say her name in a whisper. And it's a good thing we don't have guests over often. I don't think they would like my hand over their mouth really.

So our conversations at home kind of go like this-


“Did you remove the “she who shall not be named’s” mouse toy that was under the bookshelf?”

“Well, “she who shall not be named” would get those mice on the porch, no prob.”

“She who shall not be named” would have loved that”

“Gee, I miss “she who shall not be named”


I resented it at first but knew it was for the best. Okay, I still resent it but not mentioning her name alleviates Tomaz's stress, and that is what we need to do for him to stay healthy.

Like the title says, "what we do for cats."

*insert martyr sigh here*





*


So why all this effort? 

Remember this first post  that started all these posts? 

Because mentally this is how real this stress is to Tomaz, and other "sensitive" cats. It is not make believe in their little cat reptilian (my resentful passive-aggressive words, no one else's)  brain- they really feel threatened. 

That incident (linked and highlighted above) happened a month after the Vet visit. While moving things around in our office to replace a cabinet, large bundles of Geor- “she who shall not be named” furballs that I hadn’t found yet came tumbling out from under the old office cabinets.

Silly human me thought nothing of it and planned on finishing vacuuming in the morning.

However, Tomaz loves the office – he sleeps in Mr. Foresterman’s inbox all the time- it’s his safe zen zone. HIS.

Yep. The very next morning Tomaz had his second and hopefully LAST stress UTI episode directly ON me. What a warm wake-up call. Not. I'm still traumatized.

“VACUUM NOW, HUMAN!!!”

Sheesh, talk about cleaning pressure…forget Mothers-in-laws, this cat has game.

Without wasting time, we immediately vacuumed to his specs, gave him double cat food cans with water (he’s got my number now), and the issue cleared up in less than two days again. 

And we have not had any episodes since then, because-

MY HOUSE IS CLEAN of SHE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.




sigh.




 ~


- Post note - 

meanwhile, I bought this pillow

GEORGY!!!  

*Said into the pillow with a muffled whisper while petting said pillow*





I think 
I may have to go to the Vet again
 to diagnose a new syndrome
 to replace my old one...



~

Friday

Intermission- kinda




In February, Mr. Foresterman solo-worked on a Forestry project in Wisconsin for most of the month. I stayed back at the homestead here in Montana alone to take care of the critters. And to write. 

I don't mind being alone. Its one of the perks of living in a National Forest. You know how you enjoy that peace of the outdoors when you finally get your vacation to go camping? Well, its like that. 

But everyday :)

So back to the video-

Ironically, this past February was also the snowiest on record for this side of Montana. Well, actually, a lot of Montana. It just kept snowing. So I started to document through videos and sent them periodically to Mr. Foresterman to let him know we were still alive. 

And digging out. Snowing, digging out. Snowing, digging out. 

"uh, When are you coming home again?"


I made quite a few of these videos that month...


(song "Light of day" by Esme Patterson)





~

Wednesday


Thank you for your kind comments. 


Knowing that you are not alone by reading someone's words of encouragement 

is the best gift any person can give. 

You all are very generous xoxo 

And so I write on.
~


It was weird the next day.  I wasn’t woken up by a little tabby cat laying on my chest, kneading and drooling, letting me know the QUEEN had awoken and I must awake too because it was time to start the day. It was so weird.

My eyes were puffy.

In the garage, we let Ranger and Tomaz sniff their goodbyes.  Mr. Foresterman talked about burying her when the snow stopped, but the ground was very frozen. We had a short discussion about putting cats in the freezer. No.

Then followed the discussion of me promising  Mr. Foresterman that if it were Winter, I would call the authorities instead of sticking HIM in the freezer.

My promise was real. I know laws, you know.

We talked about Georgy’s heart, and how did we miss the sign of Heart disease in cats? The what if’s.  She acted so normally, for Georgy. She was young- only four years old. We’ve never experienced this before, ever. This FATE was so abrupt, so vulgar in its arrival. She was here, alive, just last night-

Then we talked about how I cried, while I was crying again, although this time softly.

It was kind of a magical process, abet snotty, this crying thing that Georgy gave me.  This was so different than how I processed things in the past; I can cry in the present now.

I BE A HUMAN.

So then this led to me asking Mr. Foresterman was it that I finally caught up with all the tragic stuff in my past so I can now cry and get things over with rather than worrying about crying about all the things and then never stop crying because I didn’t give myself the time before because I didn’t have time?

Poor guy. I know. Do you see why I needed the time off from blogging to take time to take time back?

It’s a struggle for all of us.

Anyhow, Mr. Foresterman didn’t have an answer, surprisingly. He just stared at me, as he knows to do, while I try to force myself to have an epiphany about something that maybe just doesn’t need an epiphany.

He is a patient man.

The next conversation after that was the difficult one.  It was the one where he was trying to get me “woke” to what was going on.

“you know she monopolized you. We couldn’t get near you without her permission.”
“she did not. She loved me.”
“We were scared of her, of what she might do.”
“exaggeration. She wasn’t THAT bad.”
“you're suffering from Stockholm syndrome.”
“SHE LOVED ME”

This went on for a while, to alleviate the sadness we felt at her absence.  

He made me laugh. Out loud.

We use humor in all sorts of ways, especially to handle grief. To talk about her, remember her in all her wonderful snottiness helped ease the pain of the abrupt way she left us. Mr. Foresterman knew I was still stunned of losing her in such a short amount of time. There was no warning, to prepare.

It was as if space, the air, their place was empty, blank… you sense this and want to make it right- until you remember-

Those who have abruptly lost what they love know this feeling, of what I write. It does pass after a while but is not on a time schedule. I still miss the little furball, because she never really left my side. Sometimes I'm startled at a shadow/wind/floater in my eye until I recognize that no, that wasn’t her…

That afternoon, it wasn’t until Tomaz started crying loudly that we stopped passing the snarky quip ball back and forth. This type of cat crying demanded attention, especially after last night.

“Whats wrong with him?”
“Tomaz, you okay bud?”

Well, He was freaked.

 The Queen lay in repose in a box next to his potty box in the cool garage for the time being.


In hindsight, this probably was not a good location.  Btw being in your fifties still means there is a lot to learn in life.  This was one was added to the list.

We immediately made a call to the Vet for an appointment for Tomaz, who obviously was now having potty issues. They could get us in the next day. We added Ranger in too because he was up for his yearly shots anyway. The snow was due to stop soon so travel wouldn’t be difficult like it was the night before.

Poor Tomaz.

Poor Georgy.

Poor Mr. Foresterman.

But I was okay. I could cry.

~




And now this is where Tomaz’s story begins...



















~

Monday


I debated about writing about this next part.

But then if I'm avoiding something, there must be a good reason why. 

I don't want to forget about Georgy. This was my first girl kitty in decades, and she really did follow me everywhere. We were the only girls of the household. We even talked (okay, ME) about bringing her to work in the woods...so many good memories! And she really did love to cuddle with me, even when I was in the bathtub (maybe not so good memory; naked is not a good place to be with a clingy cat...) She was only four years old, and we were supposed to grow old together. When something like this happens, it shocks you, because it was not expected.

Not at all.

But generally, I am a good-natured person. Focusing on negativity is really not who I am. So avoiding writing about how she died makes the event almost untrue, in a writer's mind. And you know how we love rewrites. 

So I needed to write this true.

We worked it out this weekend, and today I am sharing this post with you.

~

When I am under pressure, stressed, I can step out of myself and become someone I don’t sometimes recognize.  I’ve had professional training to do this, I've been paid to do this. It has kept others and me alive. Now it meant something else.

I gave Georgy the heaviest opioid I had on hand, one that was given to me when I went through my own DVT event, ironically.  It would kill her, but not fast enough. It did, however, make her sleepy, which is what was needed.

FYI Cats do not process any drug very well due to their unique system, so never give your kitty any medications, including wormers, without consulting a Vet first.

I wrapped her in one of her favorite blankets; a hole cut for her head to fit through.  I swaddled her gently. This restricted her movement so that the correct humanely placed headshot would be a swift death.  She was too sleepy now to protest, but still in massive pain. I placed her in the box that Mr. Foresterman gave me. We carried her downstairs.

In the mudroom, I loaded my own .22 and silently handed it to my spouse, Mr. Foresterman.  This was symbolic on my part; letting him know this was my decision and not his fault.  

Death by firearm is an accepted, quick and humane way to put down an animal, especially when time and circumstances warrant it. However, it is not easy being the bearer of death for any animal.  

We stared at each other briefly without speaking, and I took the box holding Georgy from him.

Carrying her out into the white night, I set the box down in the feathery snow. My goodbyes were swift. I spoke of how much I loved her and thanked her for her love in return. Her eyes were closed now.

Large Snowflakes gently fell on the blanket, on her, on me.  I rubbed her furry little brow just like the way she loves it.

goodbye Georgy, my girl, my friend. Queen.

Mr. Foresterman touched my shoulder. It was cold outside, and it was time.  He wanted to wait until I left.

My legs felt heavy as I took the stairs one by one.

Instead of soldiering on like I always do though, I began to cry. My wails were as big and vast as the pain in my heart, so unlike me. Normally I cry in silence, if ever.  

This time my tears fell; an ugly cry that should have been years ago. I cried for her, me, Mr. Foresterman - then it became more substantial than I could hold in - my parents, my brother, all those who aren’t here now, all the hurts and pains experienced, the unexplained why’s.  I cried the tears I couldn’t shed before. 

But mostly I cried for her, my little friend.

And so in her final moments, the Queen, that little furball,  gave me the gift to feel grief in the present, something I haven't had in a long time.


I never heard the shot.









~



Georgy

2014-2018




~