FERAL POLITICS

February 10, 2017

FERAL POLITICS

Love this bear.
Im not sure if its reciprocal.

I live, rest, play and work in this other dimension that parallels to civilization. It's called " Nature ". Nature has a way of leveling out the playing field of life, and being very persistent. Like if someone steps on you, you can give them a terrible rash or sting so that they never want to harm you again. Or you can resist eating your children and others if you are stressed out and don't like them. Or whatever. Things like that.

-WARNING-

if you are sensitive, you might want to drink while you read this.

drinking helped me write it, so hey, why not?
Uh, I probably should have put this at the top.
sorry.

Anyhow, its seems like civilization is having a hard time right now. So below is just a sampling of the policies that I, feral, have been naturally following for quite some time in the woods.

DECADES + 42 DAYS + 9 HOURS… BUT WHOSE COUNTING.

After a vote, and much mutter-arguing with myself, I decided to reveal these policies today to you, and call ourselves

The WOODLAND FERAL PARTY

(“party of one, PLEASE”)

WFP

(pronounced " Pfft ")

Ebony demonstrates

Shall we start? Sure.

Policy#1

As a Human, I just don’t pee anywhere I want in the woods – I make sure I am out of a riparian zone, and out of pathways. I respect others and the land, especially if I'm drinking copious amounts of liquid because I am hiking miles with 25lbs worth of equipment. The Water that’s in the ground doesn’t need any more pollution than it already has, because of course, those incorrigible Fish. If you didn’t know, Fish pee in the water all the time, NO ONE STOPS THEM. ALL THE TIME. THERE ARE NO FISH DIAPERS or FISH PORTAPOTTIES. There are also Otters who do the same thing, but in even larger, stinkier amounts that no Otter Diaper could ever hold. Then there’s Moose - those portapotties are awkward and not big enough- no room for the horns or the toilet paper holder. So we don’t need to add to that. No. NATURE GONE WILD, go figure. SOMEHOW through the magic of Science & filtering, we can drink this same Water because we want to LIVE. So In the case of any Pollution and pee, LESS IS MORE. Really. Trust us on this.

Policy #2

I don’t tell the animals/plants/trees/amphibians/whatever else to stop their “ sexytime ” business in the woods. That’s their business, not mine. THEY DO SEXYTIME ALL THE TIME TO LIVE HEALTHY, especially “ floozy ” flowers. I'm not plant shaming, just repeating what I hear-seriously, theres lots of terrible botany shaming going on by competing foliage “ who do they think they are, the way they wave those flashy petals and flaunt those pistils, hmph! ”. Anyhow, If I go crazy and make this my business then I MUST take ALL the responsibility and there are only so many baby Otters I can fit in the bathtub before I end up on “Animal Hoarders” and Fish & Game show up and then my family commits me and it's just bad BAD bad…so if you hate it, don’t play it- be respectful, offer good Scientific solutions, shield your eyes, and Nature can handle it. She’s got this.

Policy #3

I don’t leave trash/garbage/dogs/dead fur in a box for others to clean up while trying to earn a dollar Timber Cruising. AND I don’t want to clean up after anybody, I can barely wash dishes. And Nature has no time to clean up either because of all that “ Sexytime ” business (see Policy #2). So leave the box and other industrial waste at home. This means EVERYONE. Enough said.

Policy #4

I don’t tell hikers, hunters, atv'ers, families with little whiny children, lost whiny adults, horseriders, snowshoers, birdwatchers, weirdos, humans etc. to stay out of the woods just because I don’t like them there while I am there. But we got this covered. We do have consequences, both natural and man-made, for bad behavior. These consequences are in place so we can all share the same space, even grudgingly. Nature Fact Math; Diversity = Resiliency. So this Land is your Land, Sharing is Caring blah blah blah, because otherwise it will become a Serfdom/Kingdom/Facistdum woods, let alone inbred in thinking. I know this will come as a surprise to you and me, but being in Nature isn’t about ME, FERAL, ALL THE TIME. Not all the time. Sometimes. Once in a while. Okay never, but in my mind there’s this place called “ Tolerance ” that is next door to “ Judge-y Pants ” and I am Queen and I visit both often. OFTEN.

Policy #5

I don’t leave injured, vulnerable, or sick animals/trees/waterways etc. alone without telling the proper someone/someplace about it so that they can be helped. My taxes pay for Nature to be healthy, and I'm okay with that. It’s called the Golden rule. This can also be applicable for Humans.

Policy #6

I don’t go ahead with doing anything in the woods unless it’s been Fact checked first. Like did you know you need to be careful around small caves/holes during certain seasons because they could be home to pregnant Badgers with anger issues, or maybe just a couple of excitable Skunks or three or five? Or that its not a good idea to stick your hand into holes or crevices that you cannot see into, especially in Rattlesnake territory on a southwestern rocky slope midway up a hill on a summer afternoon? Or there can be a Rattlesnake staying cool under a log so you must step on rather than over the log to give them a chance to warn you with its rattle? Or there can be hundreds of angry bees in one decaying log that you just stepped on instead of over? Yeah, that. Facts, although they are tricky, once we learn them they can keep us from getting seriously hurt. Facts = Educated Decisions = Alive. Nature Fact Math. Again, we’re good.

Policy #7

I don’t have a natural religion, but when I do, it involves controlled emoting with Facts. Example “ OH MY GOD please get me off of this cliff safely after I properly age this tree so I can get paid ”. It's okay with how you talk to your God, but you don’t need to involve me, seriously, because I WILL tell you how to do it- it's my nature. So I won't make you follow me out onto the cliff if you don’t make me follow you into any enclosed God building. Actually any building (unless it's outdoors, then, maybe, if it involves food, good food, and liquor. Any kind). “ Factual Woodland Feral Religion ” (I just made that up! GO ME) involves Nature, Science, a Prayer, Work, Facts and hella lots of Hope. Apparently it works as I am still alive, along with some endangered critters like the NOTPETTABLEDONTTRYIT Grizzly or that LOVEMYROTUNDNESS#loveyourself Manatee or those fun WHOOPITUPGIRLFRIEND! Whooping Cranes, and of course the few trees that are left from the Pine Bark Beetle invasion. Our Nature mission motto - “ We try ”. It’s all we can do, and we do. Do be do.

Policy #8

I don’t really like Humans, BUT like the animals, forests, waterways, understory, earth etc. I will tolerate them, most times (see Policy #4 ), and try not to bite, other times (see blog). It’s good policy.

Yep.

THE WOODLAND FERAL PARTY

* pfft *