and then you ask how am I doing...

I just naturally always answer  "fine " to anyone when they ask how i am.  and im not even remotely British. Im not really fine, but i am doing better now. I can see beyond the black and into the future of this land,  we'll stand beside her and guide her and although i still catch my breath at what the fire did all around us, i am now seeing what the possibilities will be with every new day....yes, that is our land in the header and if you look closely you will see our house in the far upper left corner. There is still green here and there in the creek bottom.  it will all heal. our hearts included...maybe even our humor...okay. that needs work... but we are on the mend - all of us.

oh dexter...*sigh*

anyhow, this was a post I didnt post early on . i think  you'll know why after you get done reading it.

I think.

 it might have made people real concerned.

it was called

Adding "killing myself" as an option now

160+ acres of fencing, the new holland baler, the new holland mower, the horse shed we built when we moved here, and the old homestead are not covered by insurance - and we are at the $20,000+ mark for insurance covered damage, without factoring in  traveling and repair costs, tree loss damages yet. ugh. 

I am thinking this is way over my league and into bad martyr status. I dont do martyr well let alone bad martyr.


and this is a piece of my cats ear.

I really do make for even a bad martyr - I whimper way too much - for example, the water softener, a necessity out here, quit due to the extreme power surges. I was washing everything with hard water deposits mixed with ash & soot, leaving white ashy streaks etched on, well, everything. walls, furniture, clothes and linen are not getting cleaned right. and the animals were getting sick from the water. so were we, with skin rashes and bodily issues -the brides cat was now sick, and had bodily issues (okay, pooped ) all over my ralph lauren duvet and our feather comforter (I like my nice things, i wail, making all good martyrs wince and tsk tsk). poor brides kitty. poor me. I whined without cheese. but it gets worse ~

poor bride kitty also gets food hangovers...

poor bride's kitty was sick. so I had to go to the only small animal vet that was open on a friday night (not dr. Randy who was out of town) and I thought if we have to drive this far we may as well take in Tomez for another looksee, a twofer. After I reassured them when they made sure on the phone I could pay in advance,  we drove the 1 hour there, Tomez got checked out again and was deemed healthy enough to go under my care again  ("we've seen worse" they said "GOOD GAWD" i thought) - but poor brides kitty had to stay in and get hydrated.  However, as poor bride kitty got better, they called begging me to come pick him up as he was a terror and wouldnt even let them in the cage to clean by the end of the weekend, hsssing slapping and growling, and they mentioned that he must have been saving the smelliest cat poop movement ever just for them on monday morning - he was popular for all the wrong reasons...poor brides kitty however meowed baby kitty meows all the way back to our burned out sanctuary obviously tell me about all his fun at his 3 day air conditioned cat spa, and when we got home he then proceeded to rub against my leg and saunter over to the kitty food dish as if... however since poor bride kitty is now the only healthy functional cat we have, we have catnabbed him and are holding him hostage for rodent extermination slavery - cat spas cost money so we are making him work it off -  we now have rodent bodies and kitty carnage everywhere...poor bride kitty will never be the same when the bride and groom get him back - eventually when Tomez grows new feet and takes over the exterminating, they will get their poor bride kitty back...
although this looks like a hostage situation, poor bride kitty likes to hide in the closet. really.
i think its because tomez has kind of a zombie kitty vibe going on right now and it freaks him out... 

And if that wasnt enough to deal with, Mr. foresterman had to run to a meeting in another state and I had to be by myself for 5 easy task as the nicest plumber came out to fix all the melty stuff, including the melty outdoor spigot and unfortunately when the nicest propane man came to fix the burned propane thingys he asked me "are you running water?"  I answered nooo?!!? it wasnt until he left and I was by myself did I round the corner of the house only to see water shooting out*of* the* side*of* the* house*,  out of a brick wall, geysering (is that a word? yes!)  - the new water spigot seal split due to the water pressure and I had an issue. a huge issue. running into the house i knew that the water turnoff valve for this spigot was in the closet in the guest bedroom - the same closet floor i ripped out for our nicest plumber only to find that the person who built this house (not the nicest idea) encased it in concrete and you had to use a special pipe in a pvc tube to turn it off - ramming the metal pipe into the pvc tube i couldnt catch the valve on it for some reason so i ran upstairs and got the big flashlight and ran downstairs and shined it in only to discover that the word "dessication" really means dessication" as there, laying now shoved into and around the valve, was a mouse, very dessicated. So then I ran back upstairs to get the wet/dry vac  and the phone rang and believe it or not it since im trained like pavlov's dog to answer rings  it was a person interested in hiring us for forestry work - little did they know what was going on as I was hopping back and forth  and uh huhing and yesing and saying sure, sure no problem - believe it or not he hired us on that short 10 minute call , ok you betcha - after I hung up the phone i ran downstairs with the wet/dry vac, remembering at that point i could shut off the main water valve to the house.  Now mind you, this was a complete cringing mental block issue as I just got that new water softener put in after living for a week and a half without it and i did under  NO CIRCUMSTANCES wanted to lose that precious clean CLEAN water, as in its like 1 hour drive on gravel from anyone let alone a nicest licensed plumber (hes 3 hours and a flat tire away. he told me that.  i digress) ... so i gritted my teeth, wailed and ran into the garage and turned off the main water valve, crying deep sorrowing sobs inside of my brain of "NO WATER NO WATER NO WATER WAAAAAHHHHH", then picking up my burden of a cross of a wet/dry vac, staggering back into the house, into the closet (i forgot to put it down when thinking all of this so that wet/dry vac was being carried around like a cat on fire)...unfortunately the dessicated mouse would not vacuum up so back into the garage i went, finding a piece of rerod (metal thin rod thingy used to keep concrete together when you pour), and then without looking rammed over and over this rod into the pvc pipe of the valve (stop reading if squeamish, i mean it, go to the next blog!!!) breaking up bits of fur and bone and ...and ... stuff and then by closing my eyes, using the wet/dry vac long hose attachment to get this...stuff... out .  Then it was back to the garage where I got the WD-40 spray to loosen the valve, and then  I cramped on the vice grips (a plier tool that I cannot live without since im small on the hobbit side of things) onto the metal pipe, cranking that sucker for all its worth with a curse and prayer (yes, that can work sometimes) and it TURNED OFF. yay! IT TURNED OFF!
the closet of horrors

SO heaving a sigh of relief, it wasnt until i was turning on the main water valve to the house again (WATER CLEAN WATER I LOVE YOU) did i stop and think ..."HANTA VIRUS>IM GOING TO DIE FROM THE HANTA VIRUS<" castleman disease progression scan is on August 3rd so if i live without dying until then we will let you know if i have been exposed to this deadly fresh mouse urine disease...needless to say the first thing they tell you on all websites concerning the hanta virus is DONT VACUUM.  im doomed. I dont think I got anything as they have to be deer mice and it has to be fresh, however I like to worry about such things on my off time - I am such a bad martyr...

and so this is when i thought '

"killing myself" has now become an option"

even bad martyrs dont kill themselves.  

Im doomed.


okay, we are little bit better frame of mind now that an entire week has past, and mr. foresterman is home now and I can share the joyous strains of fire cleanup.... and no, i would never think of killing myself as 1) i wouldnt be here to write about it, what fun is that? 2) i have lived through so many things like wildfire, that in of itself says enough 3) there are too many cats around here who need me to take care of them...and the list goes on...

although you should of heard the answer i gave mr. foresterman when he called me that night to see how i was doing...










  1. yeah, i'm kinda glad you didn't post this earlier. you'd have had some serious worrying going on.

    at least you can laugh at it now. sort of. poor bride's kitty. dumb dead mouse. so glad foresterman is back again! and really sad about all the uncovered lost property.

  2. OMG! Seriously girl, I've been in some deep situations myself so I can definitely relate...but, reading about it in your words was absolutely gripping!! I think I just totally relived every bad chapter of my own life and grinned at myself in the mirror when you ended with I'm fine!!
    You are in my thoughts and prayers but, I truly know you will survive this tragedy. The experience will make you stronger (if that's possible!) God Speed my friend!

  3. I am SO exhausted and SO glad you are ' fine.' I AM SO SORRY tho, that you have suffered so much loss, but, YOU are obviously a survivor of the best kind. What an event. Your header picture speaks volumes of the tragedy of fire and the devastation even in remote areas. I'm so happy to see you still have your home, everything else is fixable with time.

  4. OH my! You have been through soo soo much! Not surprising that flew through your mind, as long as it flew right back out

  5. Cannot believe someone would but a water shut off valve in a closet floor.

    Hang in there and hopefully there will be a gentle light rain soon to turn everything green again, just praying you don't get a gully washer storm first.

    Take care, I know your frustration with water issues, after having pump guy out 5 times 2 weeks ago, required a new pump after new switch box installation. Then a sprinkler manifold that has not been used in over 10 years, sprinkler timer not plugged in, decided to dump gallons of water, another day I had to turn off the pump and wait for plumber to cap pipe. After he capped that pipe another sprinkler that has to be turned on manually came on, neither one of us could shut it off, I had him cut that pipe and cap it too. Now I have to water my fruit trees with a hose. I think a ghost lives here.

    Take care.

  6. Wow. Just wow. I don't think I can ever complain again. But oh what would it be like to have a water softener? Ha ha. You have been through so much! God bless you!

  7. We think of you often. Take Care. Have a happy Saturday.
    Best wishes Molly

  8. What is enough? You have been put through the wringer... I hope that green grass is growing and you and all your critters are about to catch a break.

  9. Oh I am speechless and you know me.
    I am extremely sad thinking about the first part and feeling helpless but as I moved to the end I could see that real strong Feral Woman emerge and it makes me smile.
    It can only go up from here OK.
    I am thinking good news is on Aug 3rd I have put in a special request to you know who and he/she always listens to me for a good cause.
    Things are going to turn around soon Feral they just have too. We will talk soon, maybe in the middle of the night:) darn time difference:) In the mean time smile and laugh when you can even if people think your crazy.
    I guess I am never speechless HUGS xxoo B

  10. You are one amazing feral-woman.
    I am sorry for your horrendous troubles.. prayers are being said you and all those effected by the wildfires.

  11. How many times have you heard . . . wow!
    WOW . . .
    a no fun roller coaster ride for you. Happy forest man is home again and happy you have some "wits about you!"

    I keep sayin', "I can't imagine this" . . . or your endurance . . . I can't!

    Again . . . I appreciate your updates and knowing you are,
    "just fine!"

  12. only the strong survive, i can feel your strength in your words!!

    sending big hugs and best wishes, good things are coming!!

  13. And this is why we are all here, hanging on your every word...your indomitable spirit and ability to laugh at yourself in the face of all kinds of adversity! Either that or it is the human inability to look away from a train wreck...

    When you get going, you are an unstoppable force! Please, never stop blogging! I am praying for all to right itself in your part of the world.

  14. I really can't imagine...I think I would just give up, truly. We too are living half non-insured and it scares me. Will be thinking about you Aug 3rd....going to be good! My niece Sarah just got her 3 year cancer free report!!...really that is all that matters ....that your health remains good (I know...easy for me to say!)...xo

  15. oh you poor,poor darling, you deserve a hot bath and a stiff drink at the same time.

  16. Not to worry, girlfriend, I think your sense of humor is coming back already! What you're going through is unimaginable to me and I admire your strength and determination in doing what needs to be done. I'd give you a big hug right now if I could.

  17. I'm just so glad you can (haha) laugh about it.

  18. You have a great deal of grit and determination and a strong sense of survival. I would have collapsed by now from sheer stress overload. Better days ahead for you, I just know it!

  19. I knew that is your land. I looked for your house, I saw it, and then I saw wildflowers in the spring. On your land. I hope that comes true. Samson says hello to Dexter dog. I send my love to you and yours, and I am keeping Tomaz in my prayers. I hope he continues to improve and that Nancy's pretty bird is keeping him motivated to get well. Not to speak of all the mice.

  20. Now that's multi-tasking! Shutting off valves while removing dead mice, carrying a vac and answering the phone and securing work- all in one sentence and without pausing to take a breath! Go Feral!
    By the way so happy to see bits of green in that first photo- looks like the grass is coming back.
    Yes, you are fine.
    Praying for your checkup to have good results. If you can beat fire, you can beat castlemans.

  21. Through all the crap (literally) that you're dealing with, the fact that you can write a post that makes others laugh is such an amazing thing.
    Even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment, you are a wonderfully strong and resilient woman.
    Hang in there and try to look forward to clean cats that eat lots of mice.

  22. Your sense of humor is your way of telling us what's going on in your life without screaming it. I do the same thing. I want to scream at people "don't you see what's wrong with me?", knowing I'd freak out most people, I use my sense of humor instead. Unfortunately it doesn't get me the responses I want. I just want you to know I hear your screaming. Remember the land will come back, that's nature, and everything else will improve one thing at a time, but you are needed by you. Take the time to take care of yourself. I hope I'm not out of line here. I am concerned for you and about you!

  23. Is it at all helpful to know that your blog friends think about you and worry about you? Probably not. But, I got really sad as I drove through Idaho this afternoon, driving by areas that had been burned... and all I could think about was you and what you are living. Gosh... I hate it. How awful.
    BTW I think you should sue your insurance agent for not making sure things like your baler, mower and fence and Lord knows what else, weren't covered.

  24. Here in Sweden our insurance will cover almost everything. We have like a total property insurance.

    I didnt see your house the first time .....what view you have now. But it will recover and it will be very green again.
    I hope you can manage to get all in order but take your time and also that your mind and soul will recover from all.
    Hope Tomez recover will progress as best it can.

  25. I really really cannot even imagine... but I wish you well. That sounds so lame but I mean it. I would help you vacuum and clean if I lived out there.

  26. SO sorry about the insurance limits... somehow it just isn't enough is it? Tomez is looking so much better, and you did what you had to do to get that water shut off... proves we're all tougher than we think... wishing I lived close enough to give you a hand...

  27. i know exactly how you feel. Wish I didn't.....but at least you're not alone. The hardest part for me is seeing how it affects the critters I love. I haven't had the courage to post that part yet....but someday....

    I can tell from your posts that is what breaks your heart the most too. It is amazing to see such survival.

    What I don't understand is how your turnoff ended up being something so..... so....... I can't even think of the right word.... except stupid........ oh, inaccessible. I mean the darn thing is a turn off, it's supposed to be for emergencies....can I yell at that guy for you. If I knew how I would post it in big font kind of yelling. I just cannot even imagine..... anyway, you get my point. Geez........

  28. My heart just breaks with each new post. I can not imagine going thru what you are going thru. You are one BRAVE FERAL WOMAN! Your blog does enlighten the world as to what it is like to live through the devistation of fire. Know that you are in my thoughts prayers! There needs to be an organization, (like the red cross) that has actual bodies of people to come help, no matter how small or big the job.

  29. What's left to be said. Glad you are doing better. Praying for you.


  30. As my granddaughters say...O M G! What a predicament!! I just have to say prayers for you and all the troubles you and your family are going through. I just couldn't turn away from the post and I even read the part about the mouse. YOU POOR THING!! But in the way that you wrote this made it easier on us. We can only imagine you running around willy nilly doing what needs to be done, but I can't fathom what it's really like because I've never been there. My heart really goes out to you and to all the others that are having to deal with such a loss. I'm just flabbergasted!! Like you don't have enough to worry about...let's add on all this extra stuff! I admire you for your strength. Prayers continue to go up...

  31. As a single woman who does not live "in town" this made me laugh as I too have had many things like that happen. But, even as frustrating as it is when it is going on being able to look back on it and laugh is so important. Sorry about the uninsured stuff, now that part sucks and is not humorous at all.

  32. The prayers continue. What else can I say? - Karen

  33. I have just started reading, and everyone knows this but me: why are animals' ears falling off? Do they all have Hansen's disease?

  34. You are in refiners fire fine.


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