I miss you.

Its Mother Day this weekend, Mom. 

I miss you and dad somewhat fierce lately...it must be all the celebrations coming up - the girls graduate this weekend, mom, and then having your baby get married makes you see further into the future then you care to admit...one day I will be where you are, where ever that may be after one passes on from this world ...do you still visit here?  I know I love the earth and my family and the woods and the flowers and the bird and animals and the changing sky so much that I dont know if I can bear to leave it - was that you I saw out of the corner of my eye when I spied the first crocus this spring and bent down to touch it? Did i feel you sitting next to me when I had to slam on the truck brakes and then watch the newborn calf shakily and slowly follow his momma across the road? Were you with me gently pushing from behind when i walked up the hill from the mailbox wondering if I will make it without stopping this time? Was that you who lightly brushed my cheek as I sleepily turned over in bed giving in to the twilight of a hard earned sleep? was that you, mom?

 i miss you...Im going to turn 50 next year, mom...I need to hear you say what you would always say to me before I would start a new decade - "the 30's were my favorite years, I had so much fun with you kids...the 40's were the best, I really enjoyed traveling and learning so much..."  What would you have told me about the 50's mom?  Are they good? will i learn new good things? what will happen? will it be good...?

This is hard... I want you to be here for the graduations, the wedding, and all the joy these bring,. Boy, did you love a good party - you loved to laugh and tell a joke badly and we would all laugh with you until you got the punchline right...you would have brought joy, mom, and you would have enjoyed just visiting in your own way.  After dad died last year,  I found the tape that he made of our wedding  - no wonder he never gave it to us, it was horribly perfect :) but he couldnt bear to get rid of it, could he? I laughed and laughed, then cried and cried until i could watch no more, as i realized you were in it, and i heard dad's voice, and Denis, my friend, who was killed last April in that awful awful accident, and my obstinate father in law who was always still my "Illinois buddy"...all of you, every sweet one of you...as we all celebrated with that blissful ignorance of whats to come and I realized that Thornton Wilder got it so right in "our town" - you cant go back, you just cant because your heart aches and aches and there is no heart large enough to hold all the sorrow and joy and beauty and all the emotions of just being alive - just being alive - you cant go back...you just cant it hurts so much...and so you move forward -

but its into the unknown, mom. And sometimes i get scared.

mom, I just need to hear your reassurance, just one more time ...just. one. more. time...I dont know if I can lead by example, mom. Am I doing good? Would you be proud? am I still your sunshine, your only sunshine and make you happy when skies are gray? Can I do this? This thing called living until the end comes...?  I get so tired now, mom... 

And I miss you. 
I still miss you something fierce.

Happy Mothers day, Mom,  

from your sunshine.


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