“Feral ~ from feminine of ferus wild: having escaped from domestication and become wild…”

Friday

I miss you.





Its Mother Day this weekend, Mom. 

I miss you and dad somewhat fierce lately...it must be all the celebrations coming up - the girls graduate this weekend, mom, and then having your baby get married makes you see further into the future then you care to admit...one day I will be where you are, where ever that may be after one passes on from this world ...do you still visit here?  I know I love the earth and my family and the woods and the flowers and the bird and animals and the changing sky so much that I dont know if I can bear to leave it - was that you I saw out of the corner of my eye when I spied the first crocus this spring and bent down to touch it? Did i feel you sitting next to me when I had to slam on the truck brakes and then watch the newborn calf shakily and slowly follow his momma across the road? Were you with me gently pushing from behind when i walked up the hill from the mailbox wondering if I will make it without stopping this time? Was that you who lightly brushed my cheek as I sleepily turned over in bed giving in to the twilight of a hard earned sleep? was that you, mom?




 i miss you...Im going to turn 50 next year, mom...I need to hear you say what you would always say to me before I would start a new decade - "the 30's were my favorite years, I had so much fun with you kids...the 40's were the best, I really enjoyed traveling and learning so much..."  What would you have told me about the 50's mom?  Are they good? will i learn new good things? what will happen? will it be good...?

This is hard... I want you to be here for the graduations, the wedding, and all the joy these bring,. Boy, did you love a good party - you loved to laugh and tell a joke badly and we would all laugh with you until you got the punchline right...you would have brought joy, mom, and you would have enjoyed just visiting in your own way.  After dad died last year,  I found the tape that he made of our wedding  - no wonder he never gave it to us, it was horribly perfect :) but he couldnt bear to get rid of it, could he? I laughed and laughed, then cried and cried until i could watch no more, as i realized you were in it, and i heard dad's voice, and Denis, my friend, who was killed last April in that awful awful accident, and my obstinate father in law who was always still my "Illinois buddy"...all of you, every sweet one of you...as we all celebrated with that blissful ignorance of whats to come and I realized that Thornton Wilder got it so right in "our town" - you cant go back, you just cant because your heart aches and aches and there is no heart large enough to hold all the sorrow and joy and beauty and all the emotions of just being alive - just being alive - you cant go back...you just cant it hurts so much...and so you move forward -


but its into the unknown, mom. And sometimes i get scared.






mom, I just need to hear your reassurance, just one more time ...just. one. more. time...I dont know if I can lead by example, mom. Am I doing good? Would you be proud? am I still your sunshine, your only sunshine and make you happy when skies are gray? Can I do this? This thing called living until the end comes...?  I get so tired now, mom... 


And I miss you. 
I still miss you something fierce.





Happy Mothers day, Mom,  

from your sunshine.

19 comments:

  1. ain't for city galsFriday, May 11, 2012

    It is just so darn hard sometimes,FW! But go on we must...that is the only way we can honor their life. May you have the happiest of Mother's Day...make your mom proud! xoxo

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  2. mary iFriday, May 11, 2012

    I miss mine too...

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  3. TerriFriday, May 11, 2012

    Thank God for our memories- If you can see and hear her in your heart- she is only a prayer away.

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  4. Buttons ThoughtsFriday, May 11, 2012

    Darn it I can hardly see the computer screen you done made me cry. Your Mom would be very proud of you and so would your Dad. You my friend I think are just like your parents. Loving caring and totally awesome.
    Since I am older than you and nearing the end of those 50's you want to know about they are awesome and your Mom would tell you every decade seems to get better in different ways.
    This is the most beautiful Mother's Day tribute I have read and yes it was them wondering around keeping there watchful eye on you keeping you safe. What could be better than that? I know the HUG so here are my hugs for you HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG!
    I have to go my computer is drowning. XXOO Love you my friend you are going to be just fine. You come from good stock. Your daughters are very lucky too!!! XXOO B

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  5. Buttons ThoughtsFriday, May 11, 2012

    Darn it I meant it was them Wandering around keeping you safe. It is hard to spell and think when you feel the love oozing from this post and are crying Happy Mother's Day Feral.B

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  6. DreamingFriday, May 11, 2012

    Yes, that was your mom, brushing your cheek. She was looking over your shoulder oohing and aching at the pretty skies. She's there - all of the time. Mine's there, too. I can sense her pleasure when I've made something pretty. She walks with me. She sometimes gives me that stern look - you know the one. Our mother's gave us so much of them. It's inside every cell. They are in our hearts and in our brains. Sometimes we just have to be still and listen, and accept their presence.
    Love to you!

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  7. TexWisGirlFriday, May 11, 2012

    a whole lotta love here, girlie. i've been thinking of my mom a lot this week, too. i haven't been home in almost 6 yrs, now. she's been gone almost 8.

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  8. SusanFriday, May 11, 2012

    Aw sweety, she's with you, I'm sure her spirit is there with you to help, encourage and commiserate when you need it. I'm sure your Dad is too. Love doesn't die, it's always there. The body dies, not the spirit. I believe that when the veil between this earth and heaven is very thin, we sense our loved ones close to us. I know you miss her, and she knows too. That's why she comes to you every now and then. What a sweet post, and I know in my heart that you are a great Mom and your daughters love you very, very much. Happy Mothers Day to you dear one!

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  9. Lori SkoogFriday, May 11, 2012

    What a moving tribute.

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  10. ~melFriday, May 11, 2012

    a beautiful post and tribute to your Mom ~ thanks for sharing:)... now i have to wipe the tear from my eye and try to get this big lump out of my throat. Phew! CHERISH EVERY MINUTE WITH THOSE YOU LOVE!!! AND EVERY PRECIOUS MEMORY OF THOSE WHO HAVE PASSED.

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  11. IngerFriday, May 11, 2012

    Your mom will always be there for you, in your heart, pushing you from behind, making your fears go away, touching your cheek in you sleep. This was a beautiful tribute to a caring and loving mom.
    Thank you and thank Dexter dog for visiting Samson. He was sick in March and April and now he's well. He posted part two today.
    I hope that your are doing better with your health. I was so busy with that A to Z Challenge that I slipped up on visiting a lot of my old friends.
    Be glad you still think in decades, when you get into your 70s, like where I am now, you better start thinking in terms of each precious day. Still, being in your 50s is so young these days and you will enjoy yours. I think when you've been through stuff, you will enjoy them even more. Phew, didn't mean to be so lengthy.

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  12. PatriceFriday, May 11, 2012

    I miss my mom so much!

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  13. AnonymousFriday, May 11, 2012

    And I've missed you and your sweet spirit. I'm layed up after a bad buck off last week so I had time to stop by and say hi. I have no idea why I waited so long. My whole soul feels refreshed. Thank you.

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  14. BamaGurlFriday, May 11, 2012

    Susan is so right...only the body dies, not the spirit. You will be with her again one day. Concentrate on yourself a little while now as ur kids need you just as much as you need your Mother. I miss mine terribly also but the knowledge of seeing her again keeps me moving forward. Prayers are with you and thanks for sharing your beautiful tribute to your Mother.

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  15. Sherry SikstromFriday, May 11, 2012

    Happy Mothers day to you . your mom is forever with you ,in the little things you say , do and feel . I bet she an amazing lady , look at the daughter she must be so proud of

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  16. JaniceSunday, May 13, 2012

    I have no idea which route I took to come across you... just blog hopping I suppose.....I have yet to explore all your blogs, but this one is just perfect. I love it. I understand every word, it resonates so loudly, so clearly. You have created a beautiful tribute which says so much about you, your family ....and mine too. Thanks. Janice

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  17. ShirleyThursday, May 17, 2012

    I think you inherited your mom's beautiful spirit.
    Ted lost his mom just before mother's day, he had been planning to go see her, a 10 hour drive, but it wasn't to be. Mother's day was a little tough on both of us, but Ted, who sings in the church choir, got to sing Precious Lord after Communion; he asked the choir director if they could do it as a tribute to his mom. It's the song he and his sister-in-law sang after Communion at the funeral. He teared up a little, but made it through, sounding strong and sweet.

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  18. thecrazysheepladyFriday, May 25, 2012

    Heartbreakingly beautiful.

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  19. Bee LadyWednesday, May 30, 2012

    Beautiful post. So sad though. I am so fortunate to have my parents, I am thanking God for them right now.

    Cindy Bee

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I am feral, I dont respond at all like most domesticated bloggers- However thank you for even wanting to leave a comment, as long as it doesnt involve death threats or name calling, I might even respond!