"Feral ~ from feminine of ferus wild: having escaped from domestication and become wild"...




Wednesday

January 2012 - going solo part 2
























And so I fretted.

I could go against every doctors advice,

and travel 1000 miles round trip in a vehicle
or
ride three hours in a plane - each way.

Both put me at a high risk of moving particles of the clot to my lungs, heart
or
to my brain.
or all of them.

But there was no way even if I did decide to go,
that 
Mr. foresterman would risk losing me.

So it was settled - we werent going.



And so
because of a stupid blood clot,
I did not go to my own father's funeral.


my mind struggled with my heart for months afterwards 


By all appearances,
people probably thought i was okay with it.

But i really wasnt.

It gnawed at me constantly.

And when i finally got to take this long walk on the forest side with Dexterdog,

I decided that I would face the thought that hurt the most-




I never got to say goodbye to my dad.




~

part 3 to be continued...






~

16 comments:

  1. I don't think saying goodbye is important--it's the rest of your relationship that's important. You had some mighty beautiful country to walk through & clear your mind. I doubt if your dad would have wanted you to risk your life.

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  2. saying goodbye is important but you can always do it on your own terms but I understand how you must have felt....I agree with fishducky that your father would not have wanted you to do anything risky.

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  3. i can't imagine how that weighed hard on your heart...

    i love these colors of winter and the fossilized rock.

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  4. This one brought the tears .
    Going through something similar lately .
    It is amazing how the outward appearance can disguise all we try to hide.

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  5. Ouch. That would have pained my heart a great deal, too. And I am sure that no amount of us saying that he would know that you loved him and wished him a goodbye would make you feel better. But he would have. And I have fossil envy - I have loved fossils ever since I was a kid. I am sending you the largest hug I can muster, you sweet feral girl.

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  6. Yes, that would be hard! Very hard!

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  7. I'm sure that was terribly hard. I'm sorry.

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  8. I know how this makes your heart hurt and I am so sorry.

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  9. Oh my friend you are no going to believe this but I have nothing to say. HUG xoxoxox B

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  10. It is not too late to take a piece of your father, and to have your own little memorial. Making it meaningful to you, and knowing that your father will be there with you to see your remembrances. I am so sorry though to hear that this is something that you missed, as goodbyes are very important for closure. Hope that your blood clot is gone now and that you have no more issues with this. Hugs from Texas

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  11. That was the right decision, you know. My Dad did not have a funeral- went straight into the oven as he wished. I thank him everyday for that and when the sky is as blue as his eyes, which is rare here, He is saying "you're welcome".

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  12. I'm so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye, but I am glad you decided not to risk the journey...

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  13. Oh, no.... you tugged at my heart. I never said, "Good-bye" to my mom. To this day I feel terrible about it.... but I also know that she is OK with it. She talks to me. I feel it. I talk to her, even though I can only imagine her responses. I know she is there and she is OK with it. (((hugs)))

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  14. I agree that funerals bring closure for the family, and I truly think that people who opt to not have a funeral deny their family that closure. When I knew my dad was not long for this world, my sister and I made the 8 hour drive to go see him- I think it was a year ago today, actually. We said our goodbyes and prayed over him, sang to him, hugged him, even though he could barely acknowledge our presence we knew that he was aware of us. He died 6 weeks later. I think not going to do that would have done to me what it did to you, that I would have had almost unbearable sadness for a long time. God bless you my friend, and bring you peace of heart as you think of your dad.

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  15. oh my, what a difficult time that had to have been.

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  16. I share that with you also. But mine is different in that it was that way with both of my parents, my mother, me at the age of 14 almost 15, and my dad with electrocution that shorted his pacemaker. Definitely incidents that you have no way of reconciling with. Life is sometimes so cruel and hard. Loved your pics, but my fav is the one of the almost purple sky behind the blades of grass/hay/weeds.

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I am feral, so although I dont respond at all like most domesticated bloggers, I will try my best - Thank you for even wanting to leave a comment, as it may draw me out from the woods from whence I came!

Or under a rock, it depends most days...