have I told you how much Im thankful for? Healthy children, loving husband, beautiful life, abundant living? thanks! and i mean it from the bottom of my boots, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
But I need to put in a request...now dont get me wrong here, I understand you already give me what I need when i need it before I know I even need it even though I didnt think I did need it but really did... but these latest developments have kind of thrown me unaware and I am pretty sure i could use some reinforcement here. Having a long background in Labor management, i know when Im underwater, and now I got water up my nose and it hurts bigtime... and I am feeling a little frantic and panicky...bigtime.
When the Doctor said the CT scan revealed a "mass", i was hoping that he meant alter boys with those long candle things that us catholic girls didnt get to touch until the Polish pope came on board, and that included that rockin' organ music that starts every. song. on the same. note., but the tone of this Doctors voice screamed "concern!!!"...and when a person that you only spent two hours with, although on an intimate level as he and the nurse were clothed and i was not, when he is concerned like CONCERNED and uses words like 4 cm and diffused ("what, like a Packer backer fire cracker? like a nuclear fallout in fresh air? WHAT?!!!?") i closed my eyes and tried not squint out all the salt from the corners because it stings on sunburnt cheeks from timber cruising....and when he said he recommends exploratory surgery right away...well, i then had to ask the hardest question of my life without becoming a ugly puddle-
"what could it be if its malignant?"
it would have so helped if he wouldnt
have been so prompt in saying
I need reinforcements, God. I need friends and family to tell me its going to be okay even if it isnt. I need my eyes open to seeing beauty in everything, even if its just a tiny green acorn on a scrub oak, and to be thankful for it, Lord. I need to hear over and over and over again that strength is not in muscle but in heart, Lord...But what I really want though, God,
is this ~
I really need to see my daughter get married next year to the man she loves, with her sister as her maid of honor standing beside her, the daughters you gave us, God, I want to see them grow into the women they are meant to be. I really need to be able to embrace the adventures you have given us to live in Montana, and do the work that your trees need, Lord. But most of all, I really need to grow old with my best friend, my foresterman, the man you gave me...Even if we work 24/7 and never take a day off, he's what I really live for; to spend all my living moments with him. I want that so bad, and the moments we have spent together now seems to be so short on time...I just need more time, God. And reinforcement to hang tough.
Please send reinforcements, when you know I need them most.
thank you again for my family, my friends, the friends I havent made yet, and the special blog friends I have made here...
and I thank you for the very breath I am breathing now.
PS forget that last request before this one - you know - the one that I asked for that involved lots of twix candy bars and another 8 hours straight of HGTV? yep, that one... that one was so shallow compared to this one that its like that time I told that one mom "not to worry, that I am sure your baby will grow beautiful hair one day"- even though we were talking about her baby's outfit... yep, you and i both know I have a lot yet to learn down here on earth... Anyhow, the appt for consult with the Surgeon and the Gyn.Oncologist is next Wednesday - i could really use the ears to hear well, the patience to understand, and the wisdom for the decision making, but you already know that...And if its in the cards for a miracle healing, Im all for it!
anyhow thanks God ahead of time for blessings already on their way!!!!