"Feral ~ from feminine of ferus wild: having escaped from domestication and become wild"...




Tuesday

Please send reinforcement. Thank you.



dear God;

have I told you how much Im thankful for? Healthy children, loving husband, beautiful life, abundant living?  thanks! and i mean it from the bottom of my  boots, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

But I need to put in a request...now dont get me wrong here, I understand you already give me what I need when i need it before I know I even need it even though I didnt think I did need it but really did... but these latest developments have kind of thrown me unaware and I am pretty sure i could use some reinforcement here. Having a long background in Labor management, i know when Im underwater, and now I got water up my nose and it hurts bigtime... and I am feeling a little frantic and panicky...bigtime. 

PLEASE. 

SEND REINFORCEMENTS.

When the Doctor said the CT scan  revealed a "mass", i was hoping that he meant alter boys with those long candle things that us catholic girls didnt get to touch until the Polish pope came on board, and that included that rockin' organ music that starts every. song. on the same. note., but the tone of this Doctors voice screamed "concern!!!"...and when a person that you only spent two hours with, although on an intimate level as he and the nurse were clothed and i was not, when he is concerned like CONCERNED and uses words like 4 cm and diffused ("what, like a Packer backer fire cracker? like a nuclear fallout in fresh air? WHAT?!!!?") i closed my eyes and tried not squint out all the salt from the corners because it stings on sunburnt cheeks from timber cruising....and when he said he recommends exploratory surgery right away...well,  i then had to ask the hardest question of my life without becoming a ugly puddle-

"what could it be if its malignant?"

it would have so helped if he wouldnt  
have been so prompt in saying

"lymphoma".


I need reinforcements, God. I need friends and family to tell me its going to be okay even if it isnt. I need my eyes open to seeing beauty in everything, even if its just a tiny green acorn on a scrub oak, and to be thankful for it, Lord. I need to hear over and over and over again that strength is not in muscle but in heart, Lord...But what I really want though, God,

is this ~

I really need to see my daughter get married next year to the man she loves, with her sister as her maid of honor standing beside her, the daughters you gave us, God, I want to see them grow into the women they are meant to be. I really need to be able to embrace the adventures you have given us to live in Montana, and do the work that your trees need, Lord. But most of all, I really need to grow old with my best friend, my foresterman, the man you gave me...Even if we work 24/7 and never take a day off, he's what I really live for; to spend all my living moments with him. I want that so bad, and  the moments we have spent together now seems to be so short on time...I just need more time, God. And reinforcement to hang tough.

Please send reinforcements, when you know I need them most. 

thank you again for my family, my friends, the friends I havent made yet, and the special blog friends I have made here... 

and I thank you for the very breath I am breathing now.

Love,
your daughter, 
Gowest Feralwoman

PS   forget that last request before this one - you know - the one that I asked for that involved lots of twix candy bars and another 8 hours straight of HGTV? yep, that one... that one was so shallow compared to this one that its like that time I told that one mom "not to worry, that I am sure your baby will grow beautiful hair one day"- even though we were talking about her baby's outfit... yep, you and i both know I have a lot yet to learn down here on earth... Anyhow, the appt for consult with the Surgeon and the Gyn.Oncologist is next Wednesday - i could really use the ears to hear well, the patience to understand, and the wisdom for the decision making, but you already know that...And if its in the cards for a miracle healing, Im all for it!

anyhow thanks God ahead of time for blessings already on their way!!!!


~

40 comments:

  1. Sending kind thoughts, warm wishes, and heartfelt hope that this all turns out okay. Blessings on you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know you're scared, I'll say to you what I said to myself when I found a lump in my breast... just go get it taken care of. Please think positively and take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you:@)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Feral I am crying, you are like one of my best friends I have never met. OK I am over the crying now I am just mad.
    OK you are going to beat this and kick it the heck to the curb. Your humour and tough forest girl attitude is going to get you through this.
    You won't have to worry about going to that wedding because you for sure will be going.
    This is going to be hard but anyone that can do the job you do can so easily do this.
    I am MAD and I am so sick of the word cancer.
    You keep that smile and sense of humour this is what is going to get you through.
    I will be right here listening to whatever you want to say. You can do this with your knight in shining armour sitting by your side. My prayers are with you too.

    B

    ReplyDelete
  4. OK now I want to tell you why you should not assume it is cancer. I had a CT scan 3 years ago it showed a mass in my chest and I was not feeling well.I was scared for the months of testing and follow ups. It is the scariest thing to go through. Those cancer words always scare us. Mine turned out to be scar tissue just under my diaphragm,whew the cow that had thrown me against a wall about 20 years ago apparently had broke a rib and I did not know it. The scar tissue formed ever since and is still growing. My point being you never know what weird non cancerous things grow in our bodies. Wait for the tests and be positive. I just thought I would share that. I know the feeling of the helpless unknown. Dumb cow I am kind of happy he turned into hamburg. :) B

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aw... Sweetie, it may not be as bad as you think, but it doesn't hurt to ask Him for help. I will put you on my list, along with several others on the blogs. Reinforcements are on the way!

    PS: Worrying doesn't help... ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Blog friend: "we" lived thru cancer with our youngest daughter, Anna, who is in remission for 5 years now. She had bladder cancer, pretty rare for an 11 yr. old. I'm not going to add to your anxiety by telling you stuff you don't need to worry about now - I will however tell you that "turning" cancer over to Jesus is the answer, possitive attitude, fighting for yourself - these are KEYS to beating it. I will be praying for you. Blessings from Wisconsin!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Praying, sending good thoughts..all of it.
    We're here!

    ReplyDelete
  8. i'm just sitting here bawling. i hate that you're facing all of this. i know they say that God never gives you more than you can handle, and you are one very strong, resilient woman, but i deplore that this is on your plate. we are here 100% for you, anytime you need to vent, scream, cry, worry, muse, bemoan, whatever. and we are sending huge hugs to you to comfort your fears. and one to your sweet foresterman and one each to your girls. and dexter dog. and the horses. and cats. and that big montana sky to keep you smiling and looking up...

    ReplyDelete
  9. My mind is overflowing with thoughts...and I feel like my comment might get too long so I keep trying to think of what to leave out. I'm just gonna type what's on my mind anyway. Sorry it's long. First of all, turning to God always helps me. Pick out a scripture that means something to you, and hold it in your heart. Isaiah 41:10 is a good one in times like this. Read it every time you are afraid. I'm not going to say don't worry or don't be afraid, but try to turn all negative thoughts positive if you can. And if you can't, then call someone who will listen. Or post - you have us! I'm going to pray for you to have that peace that passes all understanding. I've had two lumps in my breast removed, and just yesterday I got the result from my 2nd CA125 that I've had this summer. It was fine. yes I have a "cyst" on my ovary. It has shrunk from three months ago, but it's still there, but everything "seems reassuring" from the results of the tests. The difference between knowing and not knowing is YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I have two friends who had lymphoma. Just ran into one of them last week at the hospital. He was visiting his wife. He is fine. Over it. The other friend, in her late 70's, way over it. I ran into her at a garage sale last year. She had it about ten years ago. Oh yeah and one last thought. STOP looking everything up on the internet about lymphoma. My Doc told me one time they put the worst and best cases on there, and most people fall into the mid-range. Lastly, my friend who had a mass on her lungs...twas just scar tissue. And another last thing (told you this was gonna be long) a blogger friend was told by a doc she had kidney cancer, twas not kidney cancer at all...just a kidney stone. So, just keep the faith, peace, and pray. We'll be praying too :)

    Cindy Bee

    ReplyDelete
  10. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
    Lots of 'em!
    Prayers, too.
    Thanks for having the strength to post what is so hard to say out loud.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm stunned. Not at all what I expected to read on your blog today.
    I will pray mightily for you, at every Mass I go to and with my daily Rosary. Also, to St. Peregrine, the patron Saint of those who suffer cancer. Here is a prayer to him:
    O God, in St. Peregrine You gave us an outstanding example of faith and patience. We humbly ask You that, by imitating him and by the help of his prayers, we may believe more fully in Your healing help, bear the suffering of this life without wavering, and come with joy to the peace of heaven. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

    I pray that this will turn out to not be malignant, that God will hear all our prayers, and that you will spend many more years doing what you do best- being a loving wife and mother, and an inspiration to us out here in blog land.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I will keep you in my prayers, I will pray for healing and strenght in yourself and faith , and I will pray for that miracle we would all want for you . I will also add thanks to my prayers for you dear lady , so pleased I gotten to know you

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your letter gave me goosebumps and salt in the corner of my eyes. I'll pray for your strength and perseverance, and the doctors' wisdom. Thank you for sharing, we're all here supporting you! Corinna

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh my gosh.It's scary, I know, been there done that. Whatever it is, it's all gonna be alright. I'm betting on just a cyst. Those happen alot! One thing I do know, without a doubt, is that God knows you and your concerns. He will help you no matter what. And I will always be here for you. I will send you as much strength as I can. Just know WE ARE ALL here for you (your blog friends).

    ReplyDelete
  15. I will keep praying for you as well. Hope it turns out okay for you. Hugs to you! I know you are strong enough to beat this!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. so...there's a curve ball i didn't expect.

    well..you know what i think. God is the healing business. All things are possible.

    and for the love of pete, you're the real wild mountain woman! try to rest in His peace. I'm praying.

    please keep us updated. here's my email if you need it.
    mountainmamablog@yahoo.com
    love.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thinking of you and praying for a good outcome.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am praying for you, sweet friend!!

    Keep a positive attitude, clean your thoughts of any negativity, and believe - HE will be there for you!!

    I will not take you off my thoughts and prayers (as I am also praying for our little friend Leontien, from Four Leaf Clover Tales), and you will see that everything will work out well!
    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  19. Take a deep breath. Wait for the biopsy results. I've survived breast cancer - twice. I've had friends survive lymphoma. And I've had EVEN MORE friends whose biopsy's came back Negative. You will be in my thoughts. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dear Far Gal.....Your friends are all here with you. The ones you can touch and the ones you've never met, but we are here with prayers and thought for you. Be Strong.......

    ReplyDelete
  21. "Because no matter what we have to endure, what we have to go through, what trials we have to bear in this world, we can take heart because Jesus has overcome the world. While this sounds lofty and romantic, this simply means we cannot lose. We cannot be defeated. And we cannot be beat down because our Jesus has overcome all the troubles of the world. So even on our worst day - as children of God, as the beloved of a risen Lord, we claim victory as well." ~from the book grumble hallelujah

    ReplyDelete
  22. Sending all the best of thoughts and prayers your way.

    judy

    ReplyDelete
  23. Prayer works. I'm sending prayers and also 10,000 angels to surround you. Have faith....it will be all right. Honest. Just believe.....

    ReplyDelete
  24. I know its easy to jump to thoughts of the worst. I did the same when Brett was diagnosed with melanoma a few years ago. He had surgery and now he has a big hole in his chest (tells people its a gunshot wound) and regular checkups with the oncologist -- but he's fine otherwise.
    Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst -- which means fight -- which means get some of Leontien's skull panties.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm stunned, and have so many words, and so few! God will be with you as He has always been. Thank you for posting this so that we, your blogging friends, can be praying with you.

    ReplyDelete
  26. My thoughts and hopes are with you. Your prayer was beautiful and I'm sure it was heard. Take care and take one day at a time. I wish you the best.

    ReplyDelete
  27. sending you this from across the pond
    listen well
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vvOv0xlLhU

    ReplyDelete
  28. OK it has been two days and I cannot stop thinking of you. I hope you are thinking positive thoughts. We are all here for you. I wish I could hug you. Take care my friend you can email me anytime. I am praying too. You will be alright all your people are praying:) B

    ReplyDelete
  29. Just to let you know that you are always in my mind, heart and prayers! Hang in there and don't forget to be positive!
    Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I cried when I read this, am not so good with words, but I agree with what "Corinna" said..."I'll pray for your strength and perseverance, and the doctors' wisdom. Thank you for sharing, we're all here supporting you!" Please know that we all have your back, will support you in our prayers and thoughts. Think positive thoughts!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm very sad to be reading this on your blog,I'm not sure what I want to say so I'll go with this. When I think of you I think of words like strong - single-minded- almost well ...bigger than life as durable as the trees you hang out in...and then it came to me... nothing has changed.....you are those things and that and many prayers will help you through this hard time. My thoughts are with you and I will be hoping to hear good came from your surgery. Hang in there we are all rooting for a great outcome.

    ReplyDelete
  32. You can be sure that you are covered in prayer...just like a blanket...and enfolded in love. That's pretty darn healing. And next Wednesday, we're all right there with you. Look how many of us, or our fams, have had scary "could be" episodes and we're still here writing. You too, Girlfriend. All is well.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Wow Feral Woman - you have a lot of prayers coming your way. I went to the Catholic church and got you a St. Peregrine medal. E-mail me your address and I will send it to you. hilltopbeelady@aol.com

    And if it turns out you don't need it, you can send it to someone who does need it. How does that sound? Still praying for that peace that passes all understanding.

    Cindy Bee

    ReplyDelete
  34. Good morning ........your were on my mine, just wanted to say hi.

    ReplyDelete
  35. You're in my thoughts and prayers also. On Wednesday just know we are all there holding your hand. God does hear all our prayers, even the ones for twix! God bless and keep you.
    CottonLady

    ReplyDelete
  36. Please update us. We at least need to know what to pray for. THinking of you.

    Cindy Bee

    ReplyDelete
  37. i'm checking back just to say i'm thinking of you, and sending you all sorts of positive thoughts...

    ReplyDelete
  38. Stay strong, Feral Lady! You are in our hearts and thoughts and prayers! Stay strong!
    Love ya.

    ReplyDelete

I am feral, so although I dont respond at all like most domesticated bloggers, I will try my best - Thank you for even wanting to leave a comment, as it may draw me out from the woods from whence I came!

Or under a rock, it depends most days...